I’m trying to learn patience.
I can’t complain. I feel a lot better now. I have my license so I can drive away farther when I’m feeling frustrated with my family. I just finished filling out my Whole Foods paperwork so I have the dream job at $12 an hour and amazing bosses! I even have friends from my old workplace and a new kind of confidence.
I’ve been catching up with school. Like last year, I’m trying to keep up until June 16th, when I can FINALLY have a break.
I’ll keep trying to improve myself. I can do this.
You failed me, Chris. I thought you’d chase after me and I thought that you were passionate enough about me to change all the stuff I think you do wrong.
But maybe I’m not enough. Or you’re not the kinda person to go with my silly female mind games. I’m sorry for wanting romance or waiting for you to show up to my door with flowers or my favorite chocolates to apologize.
Or how I didn’t notice you didn’t share any interest in my interests.
Maybe I’m just being dumb.
Time flew by
so very fast.
Today was my 18th birthday and I feel overwhelmed by this thought. What have I done? What am I going to do?
I’m scared of adulthood. I’m ready to be grown up to the extent that I wanna be “independent”. I still wanna be coddled by my mommy and daddy a little longer… I wanna wear the cute sparse pigtails and overalls I wore as a tumbling three year old.
What’s wrong with me?
I wanna relive rolling around on the carpet, eating soft pretzels and enjoying Veggie Tales while my mom cleans the house. Then accidentally make a mess and be proud I told her the truth (as proud as a 7 year old could be).
I think I’m afraid that the older I get, the less my parent’s will be concerned about me. I want them to think about me. I’m their baby girl.
I pretend I know how the world works and sometimes I ache for the day I’ll move away and begin an adventure of my own. Yet I can’t help but greedily wish I was three again. With 97 years ahead of me and not a care in the world. I’d think less about death or taxes or crime. I’d have not wronged my mother in any way. Like a new start.
I guess I’m glad I am at 18 in the sense that I can try and redeem myself for being a bad daughter. I can help more. Assume more responsibility to take a load of my mom’s long list of chores.
I suppose I can’t stop time. Every second I breathe I grow older and older.
I don’t know how everyone deals with this existential crisis I’m having.
Tonight the harshness of the world suddenly becomes reality to me. I’m not sure how to feel.
i thought cared about me as much as i did him…
Sadly, it feels he only wants me for my body. He doesn’t listen to my problems, he only listens to my stories.
For a future social worker, he really sucks at listening. I think I’m falling out of love… maybe I need a break. Or I need someone new…
Sometimes, it feels that time moves a little too fast.
I want it to because there’s a lot of things I want in the future.
I can’t wait to graduate, turn 18, get my driver’s license (the legit one), legally be able to drink pretty Rose Champagne and Horchata (I had a little and it tastes like candy with a zip).
Watching time fly by is a scary thing. I’ll enjoy the things I have planned but I don’t want 30 years of my life to be over in a blink. I want to live in the moment and value it.
Something about wanting the future happen makes me feel like I’m wasting my life waiting. It’s kinda weird, messes with my head.
Stress is less, lately.
I don’t have to worry about my relationship status, I finally convinced Chris (Yes, I know) I’m amazing and he loves me. All I need to do is wait until April – when he’ll make it official.
I only have 4 months 9 days and 17 hours until I’m graduated and gone.
As far as college, I decided I want to follow in my mother’s footsteps and become a Nurse. It’s Anatomy and Physiology, Biochemistry, Health/Nutrition, and Psychology/Sociology. It’s a lot of work but I’ve accomplished a lot so far.
I tested out of the placement test and I have 1 more year to prepare for the HESI A2 exam to apply to the Nursing College.
Physically, I’m not too happy about my skin. I can work on it. The thing I love about Chris is that he isn’t shallow. He’s seen all of my flaws, all my dryness and hair and my feet (which I hate). He’s seen me without makeup and he’s still telling me I’m cute haha so I guess that’s a good sign.
I have a job waiting for me at Whole Foods that pays $12 an hour, and a job right now that only requests me once a week.
My parent’s let me see Chris once a week and they’ve invited him to my graduation.
Life is satisfactory right now. I know there’s some downs that’ll come my way but as of this moment I’m very grateful and I feel especially relaxed.
My day went from smashing a cup out of violent, blind rage to feeling sleepy and content.
When I’m with him, I’m calmer. I feel braver.
Today, I convinced him to say, “I love you.”
After the week I’ve had, this is all I needed.
All I need.