February 5th 2017

Stress is less, lately.

I don’t have to worry about my relationship status, I finally convinced Chris (Yes, I know) I’m amazing and he loves me. All I need to do is wait until April – when he’ll make it official.

I only have 4 months 9 days and 17 hours until I’m graduated and gone.

As far as college, I decided I want to follow in my mother’s footsteps and become a Nurse. It’s Anatomy and Physiology, Biochemistry, Health/Nutrition, and Psychology/Sociology. It’s a lot of work but I’ve accomplished a lot so far.

I tested out of the placement test and I have 1 more year to prepare for the HESI A2 exam to apply to the Nursing College.

Physically, I’m not too happy about my skin. I can work on it. The thing I love about Chris is that he isn’t shallow. He’s seen all of my flaws, all my dryness and hair and my feet (which I hate). He’s seen me without makeup and he’s still telling me I’m cute haha so I guess that’s a good sign.

I have a job waiting for me at Whole Foods that pays $12 an hour, and a job right now that only requests me once a week.

My parent’s let me see Chris once a week and they’ve invited him to my graduation.

Life is satisfactory right now. I know there’s some downs that’ll come my way but as of this moment I’m very grateful and I feel especially relaxed.

January 15th 2017

I have a lot of stress piling up on me. As I advance towards my adult years, I cannot fathom why I craved for responsibility in the first place.

There’s pressure to graduate. The community college Nursing Program tells me to forget about applying since I’m not at the top of my class. The job I want is very competitive and I’m afraid I’ll mess it up.

All these things make me wish I took advantage of my time in school instead of barely passing.

It’s hard for me. My mindset is that I only have few set breaths here on Earth, so why would I want to waste them studying?

I don’t want to end up like the bosses at FYE where the store is going out of business and they can’t pursue a career because

A) They’re broke.

B) They’re white.

They can’t register for Financial Aid because who’s gonna give money to some balding white guy over a black teen who has abusive parent’s and is pursuing an education to support himself and contribute to the world? I never thought about it until now.

I’ll never have a problem going to school financially. My problem is that I only like school half the time. I’m the laziest person I know. I never study, I always do my homework 10 minutes before it’s due.

I want to be a nurse. I’ve had plenty of practice with my mom, when she ails from aches and pains and I try to convince her to do things to alleviate them. My little brother, who honest to goodness needs to have someone shove a carrot down his throat. My older one, who feels that smoking makes him immortal. My dad who drinks nothing but beer, eats nothing but beef, and only has potatoes and onions as vegetables.

Well, it sounds more like I want to be a nutritionist. But there’s no program for that…

I need to figure my life out. I need to find some reason to work towards a future. Or, I can marry rich. But the guy I love isn’t that rich and even if he were – I would never make him take care of me.

 

January 9th 2017

Like you don’t understand how many people you can push away with this attitude. People never want to be honest with you.

I know. That’s why I behave the way I do.

Years of timid acceptance of other’s opinions. Constant discrimination because I’m different.

From the day I discovered I suck at athletics, the day I showed my scarred skin to the world, the day I cut off all my hair, the day I professed my love to the first crush I had via a note in his locker and the day the pretty blonde girls mocked my confession.

When I cut people off and when I became an egocentric person: I was relieved of all the hurt.

Egocentric has gotten me everywhere. The apprehensive girl I used to be wouldn’t have a guy who treats her perfectly. Or wouldn’t have that extra cup at a fast food place she wanted or leadership positions. My facade as a narcissistic bitch made me excel and hey, maybe you’re jealous.

Why should I give a rat’s ass about what other’s think? I know I’m a good person. As good of a person I can be.

Yes, there are things I’d like to work on. Patience for one.

I don’t know, my public persona isn’t a reflection of the person I am in the slightest.

 

January 2nd 2017

I feel like I’ve missed my window for the perfect female companion.

Best Friends are supposedly the soul mate that aren’t really romantic soul mates but the platonic kinds. The girl(s) that would take you out shopping and care about your emotions. The one’s you could spend nights with and party with and never really get bored.

I don’t have one. I feel the friends I do have are more like acquaintances. All of them are guys. The female one’s I do have have someone else to call their best friends.

I’m either a third wheel or a friend-zoner. I don’t like being either.

Sure, maybe God doesn’t want me to find the perfect best friend just yet. I can’t help but search continuously. What if in 10 years I want to get married!? Who’s gonna be my maid of honor?

What if I want someone to understand me? Who’s going to venture out to parties or road trips with me?

I think I have a lot to offer in a friendship… so why haven’t I found one yet?

What’s wrong with me?

December 30th 2016

I want my mom to be happy.

She’s 58 years old now, and I don’t want her to feel life has no more zest.

I am responsible for a lot of her regrets. I’m not the best daughter that I could be. It’s awful she sacrificed her sleep, health, and career to ensure I grew up the way I did.

I would’ve thought the older I grew, the more appreciative I’d become.

I’m scared of losing my mom one day, but I’m even more scared that I didn’t make her proud. Or that I didn’t do my duty as her daughter to make her dreams come true.

I know my mom would love to have her own Filipino restaurant. I know I’m only 17 and I can’t earn enough to pay a downpayment on a venue for her. I need to soon… I don’t want to run out of time.

I say I love her, but now I need to show her.

December 22nd 2016

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Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to watch kissing scenes;

No kissing scenes, no sex scenes, and I was conditioned to gasp at cussing.

I never thought twice about the act because what was there to think? 2013 I was a greasy, cynical pre-teen with a bowl cut. Acne was culturing madly all across my face and I used to believe being a jerk to pretty girls and having catch phrases was cool.

That wasn’t going to happen to me anytime soon.

As it’s 2016, I like to believe I’ve changed a bit as a person. I like to believe I’m a lovelier being to associate with and that I look easily three times better, haha.

December 20th, he drove me to pep band. I mess with him too much, to the extent I feel I’m being unfair to him. He tries to keep his distance near me because yes, he’s very older. Not like old enough to be my dad, but you know that silly divide by two and add 7 and thats how old you’ve gotta be to date and it not be weird? We don’t fit that rule. I don’t care.

Down the road I feel hot and red in the face.

I feel sexy. I feel beautiful, amazing.

We’re in front of the school. It’s all a blur now, it happened yesterday…

But I remember he leaned in. I was scared and I hugged him…

He kissed my cheek and chuckled. He held me and kissed my neck.

Take two: our foreheads are touching and I gaze into his magic emerald eyes. His lips are parted and expose the cutest, crooked bottom teeth. I’m sure I mentioned somewhere I didn’t know what to do. He leans in and I remember as I closed my eyes I thought:

‘ Let him do it. You love him and you trust him. It’s what you’ve been waiting for. ‘

I parted my lips the tiniest bit and I can feel it. His soft lips latch on mine. Sucking on me. Moistness. I feel his tongue demand entrance. I’m frozen solid. But he’s breathing hard and I’m trying to compose myself, just a little. I use my right hand and twirl a little of his hair on my finger. Hold his head in my hand. I don’t remember breaking away…

I didn’t want to.

I’m giggling because I’m crazy. I feel hotter, redder.

Pinch me, did it really happen? Yes Josa, you idiot. It really did. Not a dream.

I didn’t think it’d be so momentous. It was like I saw a holy apparition.

Let’s just say, I had a pretty alright time at pep band after…