August 2nd 2017

Let’s talk about sex.

I’ve never had it. What I hear, is that it’s amazing.

I’ll probably never have it. At least, not for another decade…

There’s a lot of pressure. I hear it hurts. I’ve heard there’s some regret.

What I’m most afraid of, is that I lose my first to someone who I don’t end up with.

Maybe it’s because of the way I was raised, maybe I have some unreasonable Disney Prince scenario in my head.

I want to lessen the stigma of sex with myself. I want to be more open about it. It’s unfair that my mother has forbidden me to engage in any kind of act. (not necessarily base 4 but the first 3 keep my virginity, right?) If I still feel this fear of disappointing her, I’ll be 30 and married and sex shamed subconsciously.

I don’t care if thinking about sex makes me promiscuous in her eyes. It’s important and I’m not in the mood for someone to ruin this magical, beautiful, emotional and frankly kick-ass act.

I don’t have to have sex to enjoy the idea of it. Baby steps.

July 24th 2017

h e a l t h      a n d

h a p p i n e s s

  1. drink plenty of water
  2. light some candles and read some steamy romance novels
  3. get 9 to 11 full hours of sleep
  4. use paraben, phthalate, ester, and sulfate free products. the results are amazing
  5. eat lots of salad but always allow yourself one or two cheat days. dieting is overrated.
  6. online shop for things you can’t afford. at least you’ll know you still have great taste, right?
  7. cat videos, man
  8. admire the works of Frida Kahlo. She’s revolutionary and brilliant, you’re welcome.
  9. b o b a     m i l k     t e a
  10. tell your family you love them. or at least the members that actually flush the toilet or volunteer to make you breakfast.

 

 

July 2nd 2017

Hi mom.

Yes, I’ve figured it out. Your stalking has gone too far, to the point where the most hidden part of the internet has fallen victim to your obsessive paranoia.

In honor of this valiant discovery, I’m writing this for you.

Yes, I am a virgin. No, I have not lied to you.

I’ve omitted some of my experiences because how else can I talk about growing up to the woman who wants me to stay 2 years old forever?

How do you expect me to confide my fears or revelations after years of constantly being told I’m a terrible daughter or that you don’t love me or care?

I’m eternally grateful you gave birth to me, but I believe you are a very shitty mom.

You’ve supplied food and shelter and clothes but emotionally? Nothing.

Countless graduations, award ceremonies, and concerts you’ve asked me why I wasn’t as “accomplished” as the other children. You always compared me to my brothers or my neighbors or friends.

Even when I started dating all you did was make snarky rude comments and made fun of me behind my back.

So yes, you’ve found out my secrets. But you are so incredibly dense, you can’t utilize this information to change yourself. You’re merely a bratty pre-teen trapped in an older body looking for dirt about your daughter.

I will not let you ruin my creative outlet anymore. I am going to keep growing as a person and hopefully one day you get yourself together or I will have no second thoughts about sending you to a nursing home.

June 29th 2017

i need to move out.

 

This last week, month, or whatever has been enough to drive me over the edge. Turning away cute guys from my door, taking away my keys, threatening my residency in my own home. If I wasn’t going to be a nurse, I would’ve killed someone by now. I’m done. All I need is another job. Or meet someone with an apartment.

As soon as I get my finances I’m leaving and I’m never coming back. Not for any holiday or funeral or marriage or reunion. They are dead to me as soon as I step foot out of that front door.

I’m tired of constantly being let down. I’m tired of trying to impress these cruel and stupid, vile creatures. I’m using them for their money and resources. I am a better person when I am away from their house. I don’t know what I was scared of. I am MORE than ready for this.

I just want to start my life.

 

June 27th 2017

he is old.

26. An entire eight years of life and ahead of me which means yes, maybe it’s a stretch.

I don’t know what I want from him. I’m entertained by the idea I know he’s infatuated with me and he would compromise and give me a big wedding in the future or a family when I’m older and I actually want it.

I was never bothered about age before. Maybe it’s because my mother was mad. Or that he’s at this point in his life where he’s ready to settle down and have kids and I’m only freshly out of high school with 8 years to be ready for that.

Let’s imagine. 26 and 34. Yes, I’d be ready by then, I’d be very willing to sacrifice my time to raising a family and have a picket fence home. I’m experimenting right now. I think I’m worried it’s moving too fast.

3 days and he sounds like he’s soppy and madly in love with me. I can get teasing him and playing around. I can get the primal attraction, sexual attraction that I cannot indulge because I made a promise to god.

It’s like there’s this cloud over me and I just want it to be lifted. I want to see clearly before I proceed with this fling or thing. I love being treated like a princess and I just want to see how compatible we would be. I’d try three or four dates. I promise to my future self if after three and four dates I feel this doubt, I’ll let it go. Life is short and I want to feel that hot and bothered feeling or romantic buzz I felt days ago.

I suppose in every man there is the heart of a child. No one is perfect.

You can always move on, don’t feel guilty or pressured or stuck. Trying doesn’t hurt anyone.

June 24th 2017

man eater.

or so he thinks I am. It’s been 4 months since I’ve ended my first and only relationship with Chris and so recently, I’ve moved on to the next guy.

Obviously, I’ve changed after that first summer love.

I’m not going to be timid with the next guy that comes around and I’m certainly not going to settle for a stoner who hasn’t graduated from college and still lives with his parents.

Instead, I’m gonna settle for a man with a well paying job, a degree in Criminal Justice, a certification as an EMT and well lives with his parents…

Money’s tight so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

I am not a man eater like he believes. I am not a hussy like he believes. I’m just a girl who loves to flirt especially when it’s harmless. And I am still contemplating how far into this new relationship I should wait to tell him I’m all talk and I’ve actually never had sex in my life.

He’s very excited about the sex though. The sex that he and I will probably never have, or will have when he drops a few hundred for a very nice sparkly ring. I know it’s important, however I’m worried when we talk about it. Lust isn’t the same as love. I need to be sure there’s a chemistry between our hearts and not our reproductive parts.

I guess love is ruined a little for me. I feel less optimistic about finding a soul mate. I suppose I can settle for someone who doesn’t treat me like dirt because I feel the universe doesn’t influence love too much.

I’m only eighteen, what do I know about love?

Well I know this: the perfect man doesn’t exist. The perfect man is something we choose for ourselves and convince ourselves he’s flawless.

 

 

June 22nd 2017

Oh boy, it’s been a while.

So let me catch you up.

I am now writing to you as a high school graduate. With an amazing job at Whole Foods. Looking at the world with a new kind of confidence.

I have dropped all negative people out of my life (well, most of them) and I’ve been looking to improve myself.

I am almost done my first college class ever, the dreaded ENG101 with Professor Kristyn Stout (Masters/PHD in Gender Studies and 17th Century literature). Along the way I’ve met two very sweet friends and one very sexy fuck boy who decided to kiss me in the parking lot. Kind of magical but not really anything major. Less slobbery than Chris and very tender and scruffy. Loves grabbing at the ass I don’t have but hey, who am I to tell him no?

So yes, that is and was my summer love. After many awkward and horrid encounters with Chris, I’ve decided to bounce around and explore my options. Testing out less “long term” relationships to avoid ending up with a stoner who wants to quit school.

Yes, fuckboy Sam was a stoner. No, he was not gonna quit school. I don’t give my ass out for free like that.

As you can see, I’m very confident in my image. If I can seduce a handsome guy like that without any makeup on for an entire 5 weeks of some class, I can do anything.

Tonight, I am heavily procrastinating on my Final Research Essay. All of my sources are Kaput and I’d rather spend some quality time bonding with my readers and catching them up with whatever my life is now.

I’ve explored my sensuality. I’ve overcome my anxiety. I even got my Driver’s License!! So much has happened since the last sad post I wrote that sadness is the last thing on my mind.

Well, I can’t lie. There still is a little sadness and anxiety. I’m gonna stay optimistic and hope that I will overcome. I’ve neglected myself spiritually a little bit, so that’s something I’d like to work on these coming months.

My new plan of action~

I’m going to…

  • Work on My Relationship with God. Or at least confront my Philosophical Views.
  • Build new adult relationships. Romantically and Platonically.
  • Improve my worth ethic for school. I need to finish this paper eventually, so I might as well go out with a bang.
  • Find love. Or have a very fun time finding it. I just wanna settle down by the time I’m in my late 20s. Maybe 25 or 26ish.