June 24th 2017

man eater.

or so he thinks I am. It’s been 4 months since I’ve ended my first and only relationship with Chris and so recently, I’ve moved on to the next guy.

Obviously, I’ve changed after that first summer love.

I’m not going to be timid with the next guy that comes around and I’m certainly not going to settle for a stoner who hasn’t graduated from college and still lives with his parents.

Instead, I’m gonna settle for a man with a well paying job, a degree in Criminal Justice, a certification as an EMT and well lives with his parents…

Money’s tight so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

I am not a man eater like he believes. I am not a hussy like he believes. I’m just a girl who loves to flirt especially when it’s harmless. And I am still contemplating how far into this new relationship I should wait to tell him I’m all talk and I’ve actually never had sex in my life.

He’s very excited about the sex though. The sex that he and I will probably never have, or will have when he drops a few hundred for a very nice sparkly ring. I know it’s important, however I’m worried when we talk about it. Lust isn’t the same as love. I need to be sure there’s a chemistry between our hearts and not our reproductive parts.

I guess love is ruined a little for me. I feel less optimistic about finding a soul mate. I suppose I can settle for someone who doesn’t treat me like dirt because I feel the universe doesn’t influence love too much.

I’m only eighteen, what do I know about love?

Well I know this: the perfect man doesn’t exist. The perfect man is something we choose for ourselves and convince ourselves he’s flawless.

 

 

June 22nd 2017

Oh boy, it’s been a while.

So let me catch you up.

I am now writing to you as a high school graduate. With an amazing job at Whole Foods. Looking at the world with a new kind of confidence.

I have dropped all negative people out of my life (well, most of them) and I’ve been looking to improve myself.

I am almost done my first college class ever, the dreaded ENG101 with Professor Kristyn Stout (Masters/PHD in Gender Studies and 17th Century literature). Along the way I’ve met two very sweet friends and one very sexy fuck boy who decided to kiss me in the parking lot. Kind of magical but not really anything major. Less slobbery than Chris and very tender and scruffy. Loves grabbing at the ass I don’t have but hey, who am I to tell him no?

So yes, that is and was my summer love. After many awkward and horrid encounters with Chris, I’ve decided to bounce around and explore my options. Testing out less “long term” relationships to avoid ending up with a stoner who wants to quit school.

Yes, fuckboy Sam was a stoner. No, he was not gonna quit school. I don’t give my ass out for free like that.

As you can see, I’m very confident in my image. If I can seduce a handsome guy like that without any makeup on for an entire 5 weeks of some class, I can do anything.

Tonight, I am heavily procrastinating on my Final Research Essay. All of my sources are Kaput and I’d rather spend some quality time bonding with my readers and catching them up with whatever my life is now.

I’ve explored my sensuality. I’ve overcome my anxiety. I even got my Driver’s License!! So much has happened since the last sad post I wrote that sadness is the last thing on my mind.

Well, I can’t lie. There still is a little sadness and anxiety. I’m gonna stay optimistic and hope that I will overcome. I’ve neglected myself spiritually a little bit, so that’s something I’d like to work on these coming months.

My new plan of action~

I’m going to…

  • Work on My Relationship with God. Or at least confront my Philosophical Views.
  • Build new adult relationships. Romantically and Platonically.
  • Improve my worth ethic for school. I need to finish this paper eventually, so I might as well go out with a bang.
  • Find love. Or have a very fun time finding it. I just wanna settle down by the time I’m in my late 20s. Maybe 25 or 26ish.

May 26th 2017

I’m trying to learn patience.

I can’t complain. I feel a lot better now. I have my license so I can drive away farther when I’m feeling frustrated with my family. I just finished filling out my Whole Foods paperwork so I have the dream job at $12 an hour and amazing bosses! I even have friends from my old workplace and a new kind of confidence.

I’ve been catching up with school. Like last year, I’m trying to keep up until June 16th, when I can FINALLY have a break.

I’ll keep trying to improve myself. I can do this.

May 1st 2017

You failed me, Chris. I thought you’d chase after me and I thought that you were passionate enough about me to change all the stuff I think you do wrong.

But maybe I’m not enough. Or you’re not the kinda person to go with my silly female mind games. I’m sorry for wanting romance or waiting for you to show up to my door with flowers or my favorite chocolates to apologize.

Or how I didn’t notice you didn’t share any interest in my interests.

Maybe I’m just being dumb.

April 10th 2017

Time flew by

so very fast.

Today was my 18th birthday and I feel overwhelmed by this thought. What have I done? What am I going to do?

I’m scared of adulthood. I’m ready to be grown up to the extent that I wanna be “independent”. I still wanna be coddled by my mommy and daddy a little longer… I wanna wear the cute sparse pigtails and overalls I wore as a tumbling three year old.

What’s wrong with me?

I wanna relive rolling around on the carpet, eating soft pretzels and enjoying Veggie Tales while my mom cleans the house. Then accidentally make a mess and be proud I told her the truth (as proud as a 7 year old could be).

I think I’m afraid that the older I get, the less my parent’s will be concerned about me. I want them to think about me. I’m their baby girl.

I pretend I know how the world works and sometimes I ache for┬áthe day I’ll move away and begin an adventure of my own. Yet I can’t help but greedily wish I was three again. With 97 years ahead of me and not a care in the world. I’d think less about death or taxes or crime. I’d have not wronged my mother in any way. Like a new start.

I guess I’m glad I am at 18 in the sense that I can try and redeem myself for being a bad daughter. I can help more. Assume more responsibility to take a load of my mom’s long list of chores.

I suppose I can’t stop time. Every second I breathe I grow older and older.

I don’t know how everyone deals with this existential crisis I’m having.

Tonight the harshness of the world suddenly becomes reality to me. I’m not sure how to feel.

March 25th 2017

i thought cared about me as much as i did him…

Sadly, it feels he only wants me for my body. He doesn’t listen to my problems, he only listens to my stories.

For a future social worker, he really sucks at listening. I think I’m falling out of love… maybe I need a break. Or I need someone new…

 

February 12th 2017

Sometimes, it feels that time moves a little too fast.

I want it to because there’s a lot of things I want in the future.

I can’t wait to graduate, turn 18, get my driver’s license (the legit one), legally be able to drink pretty Rose Champagne and Horchata (I had a little and it tastes like candy with a zip).

Watching time fly by is a scary thing. I’ll enjoy the things I have planned but I don’t want 30 years of my life to be over in a blink. I want to live in the moment and value it.

Something about wanting the future happen makes me feel like I’m wasting my life waiting. It’s kinda weird, messes with my head.