June 27th 2017

he is old.

26. An entire eight years of life and ahead of me which means yes, maybe it’s a stretch.

I don’t know what I want from him. I’m entertained by the idea I know he’s infatuated with me and he would compromise and give me a big wedding in the future or a family when I’m older and I actually want it.

I was never bothered about age before. Maybe it’s because my mother was mad. Or that he’s at this point in his life where he’s ready to settle down and have kids and I’m only freshly out of high school with 8 years to be ready for that.

Let’s imagine. 26 and 34. Yes, I’d be ready by then, I’d be very willing to sacrifice my time to raising a family and have a picket fence home. I’m experimenting right now. I think I’m worried it’s moving too fast.

3 days and he sounds like he’s soppy and madly in love with me. I can get teasing him and playing around. I can get the primal attraction, sexual attraction that I cannot indulge because I made a promise to god.

It’s like there’s this cloud over me and I just want it to be lifted. I want to see clearly before I proceed with this fling or thing. I love being treated like a princess and I just want to see how compatible we would be. I’d try three or four dates. I promise to my future self if after three and four dates I feel this doubt, I’ll let it go. Life is short and I want to feel that hot and bothered feeling or romantic buzz I felt days ago.

I suppose in every man there is the heart of a child. No one is perfect.

You can always move on, don’t feel guilty or pressured or stuck. Trying doesn’t hurt anyone.

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