January 15th 2017

I have a lot of stress piling up on me. As I advance towards my adult years, I cannot fathom why I craved for responsibility in the first place.

There’s pressure to graduate. The community college Nursing Program tells me to forget about applying since I’m not at the top of my class. The job I want is very competitive and I’m afraid I’ll mess it up.

All these things make me wish I took advantage of my time in school instead of barely passing.

It’s hard for me. My mindset is that I only have few set breaths here on Earth, so why would I want to waste them studying?

I don’t want to end up like the bosses at FYE where the store is going out of business and they can’t pursue a career because

A) They’re broke.

B) They’re white.

They can’t register for Financial Aid because who’s gonna give money to some balding white guy over a black teen who has abusive parent’s and is pursuing an education to support himself and contribute to the world? I never thought about it until now.

I’ll never have a problem going to school financially. My problem is that I only like school half the time. I’m the laziest person I know. I never study, I always do my homework 10 minutes before it’s due.

I want to be a nurse. I’ve had plenty of practice with my mom, when she ails from aches and pains and I try to convince her to do things to alleviate them. My little brother, who honest to goodness needs to have someone shove a carrot down his throat. My older one, who feels that smoking makes him immortal. My dad who drinks nothing but beer, eats nothing but beef, and only has potatoes and onions as vegetables.

Well, it sounds more like I want to be a nutritionist. But there’s no program for that…

I need to figure my life out. I need to find some reason to work towards a future. Or, I can marry rich. But the guy I love isn’t that rich and even if he were – I would never make him take care of me.

 

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