October 9th 2016

feeling short of breath.

sharp pain shoots in my heart

head is heavy

my thoughts are all muddled.

struggle to keep coherent thoughts

i’m anticipating another bout of worry,

where my vision gets blurry

my soul gets lost

i feel scared

death. darkness. become forgotten.

who am i? where am i? i don’t know what “i” am.

irrational is terrifying

i turned on my fan

even though the melancholy autumn winds send shivers down my spine

because if i feel frozen

i am feeling something

throat feels tightly shut

attempting to sip water

my placebo of choice

i’d much rather water than a pill

there are horror stories about those tiny little capsules

i’m afraid to take one.

i’m afraid to be depressed again.

it took so long to climb out

my 6th year of schooling

i ask my mother what a soul was

i ask my mother not to die someday

i pray to a god i worried didn’t exist to give me a sign he does

because i wanted to believe in a soul

i wanted to be with my family forever.

my 6th year of schooling

my mother forced me to eat tomatoes

and even though i hated them, i ate them all

because she said they’d make me happy

my second placebo of choice.

i don’t want people to think i’m crazy

anything but a lunatic

i don’t want to be shipped away

to an all white room that isn’t my bedroom

i’m worried that one day when i’m all grown up

i won’t find love

because when the bouts of anxious irrational thoughts plague my body

and shake my soul

they won’t understand what’s going on

they’d think i’m looney

and they’d leave me for someone more stable

but i am stable, i promise

i’m okay.

 

 

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