August 31st 2016

I am shy, I guess.

Not always, only when I’m in a room of people holding a higher objective than socializing.

When there’s a greater task at hand, I will not hesitate to keep my big mouth shut to avoid

  1. Interrupting a lesson or meeting
  2. Sounding like an idiot or an ass.

There have been instances where my first impression has not been shy. For example, at work. I think I act so boldly because I know that I’ll never see these people again. If I do, they just remember how nice or outgoing I was and the second or third interactions bear no pregnant silences.

I am the German Club President. Given, to win the election I baked everyone Mohnkuchen, but I’d like to believe there are other reasons as to why I was voted. I can command a room with my voice. I am confident in organizing. I can recognize who’s isolated themselves and I am not afraid to fix it.

If I used to be so confident, how come I don’t feel the same now?

What’s changed?

After that statement, all these doubts popped back into my head.

‘If I’m shy, then I’m not confident. If I’m not confident, I’m not pretty. If I’m not pretty, I’m not desirable. If I’m not desirable, I’m alone.’

I need to settle this once and for all, this is my goal. I’ve worked hard to reach a level of confidence, I don’t want to see it thrown away because I’m overthinking it.

 

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