July 30th 2016

I’m not sure how to feel.

We’ve talked for every day since we’ve really met, but conversation has run dry.

I think talking every day for 2 months has given us more than enough time to get to know each other.

What’s next in a relationship? Actually going on a date.

However, you are the first person who’s ever said no. Not because of me as a person, but because of my age.

Because even if we don’t engage in any sexual activity, or if we don’t even kiss: there’s this guilt that I don’t understand. Why does my age of 17 as opposed to 18 bother you so much?

You’re holding back, and I don’t know if I should be grateful or hurt. I suppose I’m a little of both.

You could’ve taken advantage of me, but you didn’t. You hold back flirting because you’re scared to let me fall in love with you when I can’t be with you all this time. You don’t want me to experience some sort of heartbreak that you did.

But I’m hurt because you keep treating me like a child. Every time I want to discuss what we might do or where we might be in the future, you never like to talk about it. You say “You’ve still got a lot of growing up to do.” It’s hard to remind myself it’s because of my age and it’s not because of me.

I want to skip to the part where I can just let myself love you and you can let yourself love me. In 8 months and 11 days from now, it’d be easier for the both of us. I don’t want you to suppress feelings. If you have them, you should show them.

I admit, I’m being a little greedy. No one likes to be chained down and I have to admit the reason I’ll miss talking to you every day is because I do want to keep you close by. But it’s because there’s a fulfillment in my heart when I get that “good morning” text. Or that selfie. It’s easier to dream when you say “sweet dreams.”

I love you enough, I guess, to let you go. It’s just so hard because I don’t want to. I know you aren’t gone forever or anything, I’m not that silly.

I’ll use the time apart to grow up for you. I’ll become an adult, and I’ll make you a very happy man one day. It’s just that for now…

every day won’t be as special when you aren’t there.

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