April 10th 2018

Happy Birthday to me.

I had a pretty eye opening incident a few days ago. I was out making a delivery to a geriatric patient on Creek Run, and when I was driving back I hit an animal. I’m still debating whether it was a gopher or a ground hog, it definitely wasn’t a cat or anything domestic. I saw it’s eyes as I slammed on my brakes, I felt the bump and I saw in my rearview (it) dragging itself off the road. I ran out of my car to see it and it was still breathing heavily on the side of the wood’s bank.

I feel like healthcare has made me scared. I had taken a test earlier that day about the Skeletal system and I could imagine upon impact what happened to this creature’s hind legs. My mind panned to an x-ray like image of the world’s most shattered femur.

I sat in my car, and I sobbed for a few minutes. I had never felt that sorrowful before.

With my birthday today, I don’t feel as excited as I used to. I love my birthday.

That it’s in springtime.

That it’s around Easter.

Flowers are starting to appear.

I’m just coping with the prospect becoming older.

Today, I want to reflect on the things I have previously done in my life, and the things I will inevitably do. I want to enjoy a relaxing day, ace a test at 6:30, and try to forget that next year I will be 20.

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December 28th 2017

Well, I’ve been absent for a while so let’s catch up.

The crazy chick I wrote about previously has stalked my personal blog for friends and family, harassed my mother on my property, and I had to file two police reports and lay low as my mother was convinced this (for lack of better words) psychopath was going to harm me. So, many of you know who it is. And we all had a nice laugh about it, but it’s around New Years and I’ve done some reflecting about my life. Back to more positive things.

I feel more accomplished than I did in high school.

It’s a lot of work, balancing two jobs and a full time education in a field that’s entirely new to me, but nothing will compare to how amazing I feel after that first semester. All A’s. Getting better and better at my job as a technician and getting better and better as a Team Member.

Still improving my diet, my face now breaks out exclusively when I’m on my period.

As far as my resolutions from last year go, I’ve achieved a lot of them.

I landed the Whole Foods job, I maintained a 4.0, I now have a few vegan recipes to keep me well balanced.

And I drink A LOT OF WATER.

I’ve been very happy. I’ve made a fair amount of new friends from work or school and I found happiness in my life. Since I’ve broken whatever thing I had with Chris off, I’ve been very confident in myself and since my whole “shoprite career” I established that I’m more successful than my other old co-workers… so they can suck it.

There are some things I’d like to work on. I’d like to exercise once a week. Go out for a run or a walk. I’d like to learn more tagalog, more about my mother’s heritage. When I get older, I’d like to pass the lessons I learned from her down to my very white spawn.

I’d like to learn how to Ice Skate. I’d like to volunteer at the hospital this summer.

I’d like to take better care of my skin, perhaps go to the dermatologist. I’d like to spend one hour a day to focus on myself.

Above all, I’d love to work on music. I let that part of me go a little bit, to feed into the identity of a healthcare “professional”. But I miss the rush I get when I perform. Maybe I’ll go and perform in the park, or write music again. Something to keep that part of me alive.

Happy New Years everyone.

 

 

September 26th 2017

I know it sounds dorky, but buying my first pair of scrubs is super momentous an occasion.

I know I have so much to learn but it feels like an honor that I get to be a part of healthcare in any way.

Even if it’s for a Pharmacy Job I’m pretty bad at right now… I’m gonna blame that only because I’m new to it.

I can’t wait to wear those scrubs everyday. I know I’ll probably get sick and tired of it but it’ll show the world I’m doing something phenomenal.

July 24th 2017

h e a l t h      a n d

h a p p i n e s s

  1. drink plenty of water
  2. light some candles and read some steamy romance novels
  3. get 9 to 11 full hours of sleep
  4. use paraben, phthalate, ester, and sulfate free products. the results are amazing
  5. eat lots of salad but always allow yourself one or two cheat days. dieting is overrated.
  6. online shop for things you can’t afford. at least you’ll know you still have great taste, right?
  7. cat videos, man
  8. admire the works of Frida Kahlo. She’s revolutionary and brilliant, you’re welcome.
  9. b o b a     m i l k     t e a
  10. tell your family you love them. or at least the members that actually flush the toilet or volunteer to make you breakfast.

 

 

December 30th 2016

I want my mom to be happy.

She’s 58 years old now, and I don’t want her to feel life has no more zest.

I am responsible for a lot of her regrets. I’m not the best daughter that I could be. It’s awful she sacrificed her sleep, health, and career to ensure I grew up the way I did.

I would’ve thought the older I grew, the more appreciative I’d become.

I’m scared of losing my mom one day, but I’m even more scared that I didn’t make her proud. Or that I didn’t do my duty as her daughter to make her dreams come true.

I know my mom would love to have her own Filipino restaurant. I know I’m only 17 and I can’t earn enough to pay a downpayment on a venue for her. I need to soon… I don’t want to run out of time.

I say I love her, but now I need to show her.

October 25th 2016

Lizard. Snake. Reptile.

I am a very dry girl. I love my body, don’t get me wrong. I have all of my limbs and they work, my face is proportionate.

My skin is that of a monster. I feel like the boogeyman when I show them.

I cannot describe the physical or emotional pain. Chapped, red cracks that bleed in the winter. Cruel remarks made by soft skinned people.

I remember growing up, I’d always hope that my legs got skinned or something. Cut up enough so I could ask the doctor to graft new skin for me. The supple kind.

I remember crying because one day if I got married, my Husband wouldn’t love me because I wasn’t going to be pleasurable scaly.

I made a decision this year. I’m going to get a tattoo to cover up the scars.

It will hopefully be a worthy investment.

October 16th 2016

Today, I cried over cabbage.

Yes, I mean the green leafy orb.

No, it didn’t break up with me or call me ugly.

I was bottling up all this stress over the course of a month and because I quit band

– this isn’t a typo, I really did it-

I thought life was going to magically become easier. The load became lighter in the sense that I now have nine hours of sleep and time to eat food, however mentally I’m not in an ideal place.

Crying over cabbage tonight was my big red flag.

I had this feeling that because I couldn’t cook this stupid thing into some beautiful comfort food, I sucked at cooking.

Today, I picked up my little violin from 6th grade and I gave up trying to learn Vivaldi’s L’inverno. I sucked at this one piece, sight reading on an instrument too small for my hands that I assumed I sucked at music.

I text my teddy bear today and when I read back at my messages I get so frustrated because he’s hung up on a girl that isn’t me. I think to myself, “I’m not good enough.”

I shouldn’t feel this way, it’s so difficult to be depressed over something so dumb. I just feel like a big

B L A H.

Why do I feel so frustrated with myself? I like to believe I’m pretty. I like to believe I’m musical, or intelligent. I like to believe I’m loved. If not by my teddy bear, then by someone, A N Y O N E!

I don’t know what to do. Like hell I’m gonna sign up for a cooking class. Trying to find someone to go on a date with is too hard. I can’t sleep all day or stare at a wall and sort myself out.